16. Charlie Sheen

You guys ever read those Forbe’s lists about the richest rappers?  Maybe it was Fortune 500, who gives a shit, the point is Jay Z is always on it.  Now remember in like ’06 when he released the wackest Jay Z album of all time, Kingdom Come?  How did he still make the list!?  I’ll tell you how, smart ass investing.

You know what one of his best investments was?  Two and a motha fucking half Men.  That shit got Jigga paid son.  I’m talking, take 50’s vitamin water money and multiply that shit by 8 years.  That’s grown folk cash right there.

Well needless to say Shawn is not too happy about Charlie Sheen going batshit insane.  I mean first of all, how dare he come up with more marketable quotes than the wordsmith himself?  I mean Jay Z invented coming up with sweet ass phrases/lyrics that would become income generators for other individuals.  Just ask Cassidy, this blog, and other chumps who have sampled the greatest.  Now Chaz Sheen is cornering the market in quotables.  Dude has dropped ridiculous amounts of ridiculous.  It’s gnarly.

And second of all, as I mentioned, he’s fucking up Jigga’s 2.5 men nest egg.  How’s he going to provide for that big ass baby Beyonce will inevitably pop out?  I mean he’s obviously going to be fine, but that’s the difference between the best day care in the world and the best day care in Manhattan.  No knocking the city, but that kid won’t be able to learn soccer and other sweet ass euro shit in some baby joint in Tribeca.  You can forget about being an international chef, Baby Carter.

And finally, how dare Charles Sheen basically claim ownership of winning?  Damn son.  S dot can barely count his number one albums on his digits and this chump is going to claim victory?  Bullshit.  Before you think you invented winning, you better take a look at how quick you’ll get stomped the fuck out in Marcy.  Go back to Hot Shot’s movies you dummy.

15. Zombies

Fact:  Jay-Z has conquered the living.  What type of people do you fear when you’re such a boss that no one can fuck with you?  The answer of course is undead people – zombies.

First of all, Jay heard that smart brains are the most delicious.  Well you know Jiggas smart as shit.  While you run around with the equivalent of spaghetti-o’s in your head, Jay has filet mignon.  He’s mad nervous son.

Why do you think he hung out with Beanie for so long?  I mean besides the tax benefits he also knew that Beans is a crack shot who could put a bullet in a zombie brain with the quickness.

Another thing is that zombies don’t give a shit about clever word play, which irritates Jay.  They don’t even try.  All his sick ass metaphors and dope verbalisms are worthless on the hater ass undead.

He’s also seen Dawn of the Dead like 50 times, which doesn’t help.   He didn’t pass the Zombie bar, but he knows a lil bit.  Enough to stay the fuck away from Zombies.

14. Proper Hydration

Let’s get real.  You mothafuckas don’t drink 8 glasses of water a day.   Stop bullshittin.  You know grape drink don’t count, so don’t act like it does.  What’s that?  You’re busy?!!  Think about how busy Jay is, he owns more cars and homes then you’ve even been in.   Then consider he’s drinking all kinds of exotic liquors all the time, as well as pricey ass champagne and wine.  When is dude supposed to hydrate?  Plus, you didn’t even think about how much spitting he’s doing. I mean, yeah, that’s not exactly what he means by “spitting” but you’re dumb if you don’t think that shit dehydrates.  Jay probably only drinks fucking classy ass water too, straight from some mountain spring in the Arctic or some shit.  Like that shit from Waterboy (act like you ain’t seen Waterboy).  He can’t just run to the water fountain real quick between verses, that shit needs to be shipped in!  The logistics alone are enough to make someone sweat, which ain’t helping.

So what’s the solution?  Can’t stop drinking water, he needs to stay healthy to enjoy his baller ass existence.  So carry one of those nalgene bottles?  Nope, he has enough shit to carry around with his 4 wallets, two blackberrys (his and bleeks), his iphone, like 8 demo tapes people keep giving him, snacks n’ shit, etc.  No room for that shit.   He rocks european stuff, but he ain’t getting no man purse.  So he just makes his mans n’ ’em carry mad bottles.  The Jigga man is human and humans need water, that’s some PSA shit right there.  Preach.

13. Retirement

I think it’s pretty obvious already that Jay Z sucks at retirement.  Technically he’s 1 for 2 so far.  I mean he did give up slanging bricks, so I guess that’s kind of retirement.  Even though he said: “I don’t give a fuck if I sold one or one million but I think you should, because if I only sold one then out comes the hood”.  This basically means he was heading right back to the crack game if the whole rapping thing fell through.  But his retirement from rap didn’t last too long.  He hated that shit.

First of all when he was retired he had to find something to do with all the time he used to be in the booth.  Dude used to spend mad time in the booth.   What’s he supposed to do now?  Play xbox?!  Naw, he’s old, he hates that shit.  Play golf?!?  We already said he hates golf.  I mean basically the dude chilled on his yacht all day.  You ever been on a yacht without bottles OR models?  It’s fucking boring.  You can only do so many crossword puzzles before you get tired of that.  And don’t even think about naps.  Jay Z hates naps more than your three year old cousin.  When he found out that Nas doesn’t sleep, he vowed that he’d at least give up naps.  He couldn’t even hang out with Beyonce because she was out telling the world she needed a soldier and starring in The Pink Panther, among other retarded things.

The other reason he hated it was peeps were trying to act like they were the best in the game.  Jay Z didn’t retire his ears you dumb bastards!  Why you gotta talk shit to the champ when he’s out the game?  Dumb, very dumb.  So instead of staying retired he came back and continued to smash records ALL DAY.  Great!  Good luck catching him now.  Lil’ Wayne’s been rapping since he was 14 and he ain’t even half way there.  Shit’s weak.  So basically Jay’s got Florida on hold for now, maybe he’ll try again after 20 number one albums.

12. Taxes

Jays been known to tax an ass or two, but one of his problems is definitely taxes.  Them IRS mothafuckers don’t play!  They got Capone!  The real one, not the rapper.  They even got Blade!  The IRS did what a shit ton of vampires couldn’t do.  Now is that some shit you want to play with?  C’mon Son! With mo’ money, comes mo’ taxes, so best believe Jay stays vigilant.  He’s got like 11 accountants.  Math dudes watching math dudes watching his cash, dudes.

You guys ever do your taxes?  I bet some of you think that shit is hard.  You got like two w-2’s and you’re shitting your pants over it.  Jay actually owns things!  Expensive things!  He must think he’s in Monopoly with all the Luxury tax he’s paying.  You know what bracket he’s in for income tax?  The kind that got hooked up by Bush son.  I believe the term is “stanky rich”.  Remember when your cousin Bo Bo got audited?  Dude owed like $2,000 in taxes.  Jay pays that on one piece of jewelry son.  IRS would be all over his shit if he didn’t pay.  In the words of X: “this is not a fucking game.”

Now when you’re mad rich you gotta do things to offset all the taxes you’re dropping each year.  I mean Jay’s paying enough to fund like three government departments, that’s guap!  That’s why he signed half the artists he did to Rocafella.  Beanie Sigel?  Freeway!?  Memph Bleek!!?  No disrespect but signing those guys is considered a charitable contribution to the arts.  Jay wrote that shit off.  Don’t play with the government maaaane.  Jigga don’t.

11. Computers

Shawn Carter was born December 4th, 1969…you know the story.  But if you’re paying attention then you realize that Jay-Z is 40 going on 41, he’s old.  Jay came of age in the ’80s.  And like his non rapping peers, he sucks at computers.  He used to do Roc a Fella’s finances on an abacus, now you expect him to know what a blog is?

Shit’s kind of fucked up but Jay has no idea how to put his own music on an iPod.  He makes Beyonce do that  for him.  She’s good with that kind of shit (see: Video Phone).  But then he wonders why half his tunes are Destiny’s Child related.  When his shuffle keeps playing Michelle Williams gospel albums he gets kind of annoyed, not to mention all that chopped and screwed shit B used to listen to in Texas.

IPod’s are the least of his worries though.  At one point last year he was going through a new laptop a week because he clicked on every link he received.  BLIZZYBLEEK has sent you a message: “OMG, check out this pic I found of you!  Click here: http://www.obviouscomputervirus.com”.  Don’t click Jigga!  He eventually figured it out.

Also, you know how he never writes down his lyrics?  You obviously know this because people (Jay included) never stop talking about it.  What you don’t know is that it’s because he doesn’t know how to use MS Word.  That little paper clip pisses him the fuck off, so you know he ain’t learning anytime soon.  Fuck that paper clip, acting like he know Jay.  Well when you take such strong stances against word processing programs you have to adapt.  What’s that you say?  Use a notebook?  1) No, writing takes time.  2) The crew smokes up all the available paper anyway, you want them smoking up classics?  fuckouttahere.  That’s why Nas always forgets his lyrics, brother done smoked ’em up.  3) There’s about 300 wack ass rappers just waiting for Jay to write shit down so they can jack it.  I heard a rumor that Jim Jones last album was almost totally full of rhymes Jay said in his sleep in 1997.  Dame used to tape that shit in case something happened.  Yeah that’s right, “We fly high (Ballin)” was just Jay talking in his sleep and that shit went like triple platinum.

Anyway the point is Jay don’t fuck with computers.  Ain’t no HTML in ROC.

10. DMX

X almost counts as two problems.  I mean Jigga’s gotta worry about his well being as a friend, but he also has to worry about him wile’n out and robbing Jay.  You never know what that dude is gonna do.  He’s a fucking wild card.  Jay made beautiful music with X (Money, Cash, Hos), so he can’t abandon his homey.  Plus they’re both NY cats.  But, what the fuck is DMX doing?  Seriously.  Does anyone know?  I mean, he’s obviously barking, I know that…but where?  Imagine how stressful these questions are when the answer could be “your apartment”, or “jail, needing you to bail him out”.  How many dudes do you know who could equally be 1) in a church preaching, 2) pretending to be a federal officer, 3) making an album, or 4) completely blowing off a sold out concert.  Takes a rare man.  In the alphabet Z comes after X, but in real life it might be the opposite, so Jay watches his shit around Earl Simmons.

9. Golf

Believe it or not, Marcy Projects do not have a golf course.  Jay was able to escape this wack ass game for a solid 30+ years of his life.  He had a good run.  But let’s face facts, Jigga is going for mogul, and moguls play golf.  I mean to move on to the next one, it involves doing biz with a lot of old ass white dudes.  You know why Bill Gates and Donald Trump won’t let Nelly in(a)?  It’s because he fucking sucks at golf.  It’s frustrating playing with someone who sucks, and therefore all aspiring titans of industry need to learn the game.

Mr. Carter recently joined a country club and the dude had more shanks in his first round then fight night in prison.  He was trying to catch some lessons from Tiger but then Mr. Woods revealed that  bitches are like 20 of his problems, and Jay don’t get down like that.  His next plan is to get one of those electronic driving ranges in his jet, for practice during turbulence free times.

Imagine him playing 18 with Bloomberg, Memph Bleek suggesting all the wrong clubs.  Tee off with a 6 iron?  Come on Bleek.  Luckily Jay is mad coordinated from all the shooting he used to have to do, so it shouldn’t take him too long to learn.  Fore!-tune 500.

8. Understanding the Bone Thugs

Let’s get real people, nobody understands the Bone Thugs.  Eazy E discovered them and even he had no clue what they were saying.  Most of us never have to worry about interacting with Bone except for when we groove to their classics.  Well Jay Z used to see them all the time, source awards, strip clubs, you name it.  Dude was straight nervous the first time he was gonna chill with them.  I mean when you’re trying to get into the rap game in the mid 90’s you better not fuck shit up with the thuggish ruggish.  Luckily Jay is sick at contextual clues and reading body language.  He figured out most of what they were saying except for briefly thinking they were Buddhist b/c of all their buddha lover talk.  He even knew not to bring up Uncle Charlie (RIP).  They miss that dude all day.

There were unforeseen outcomes of hanging with them though.  Jay’s a NY dude, if you haven’t noticed.  And he’s also been known to hang out in VA, dribbling and participating in other, more illegal, activities.  Well needless to say he doesn’t make it out to Cleveland that often.  He seriously thought that everyone from Cleveland talked like Bone Thugs.  He was psyched about all the harmonizing, but again, worried about comprehension.  He was mad nervous to meet LeBron the first time, him being a Cleveland cat.  Luckily it’s just the rhyming fools of n’ harmony who talk like that.  Them and Bernie Kosar after a couple beers.

April Fools Special: A Bitch?

Surprised?  Yeah, Jay finally has to deal with this shit too.  Once Nas clowned him he started catching feelings for broads left and right to help him cope.  He also began to be stressed by pussies having no gd sense, started holding his gun in a sweet manner, stopped busting grapes in fruit fights, etc, etc.  Today is a sad day as we must acknowledge that Jay now has 100 problems.  Psych.  April fools SON!