7. Turbulence

31 03 2010

Scenario: You’re up in the air, flier than the rest of ‘em, when all of a sudden the plane starts shaking and dipping low like Christina Milian.  They call that shit turbulence and it’s scary as hell.  Now it’s been established that Jay flies a fucking lot, let’s just say he’s mentioned it once or twice.  Well as rich as he is Jay stays flying the same sky we do and that sky is not always calm.  Take the amount of times you’ve been in turbulence in your life, now multiply that number by 100.  That’s how many times Jay has been in turbulence, THIS YEAR!  He may be better than you in almost every way but best believe he can’t fly without a plane either.

Plus you know Big Homey’s always playing pool and shit like that on his plane; hanging out with the pilot.  So, when he hits turbulence, he not only has to return to his seat but he also has to stop recording in his airborne studio, or some similarly baller activity.  That is not only scary, but singlehandedly delayed BP3.  It’s hard to record an album when you spend half your time commuting via air.

Now when you start to think the planes going down you probably start thinking about your girl and your life and everything you would leave behind if this was the one.  Well your girl ain’t Beyonce and your life ain’t Jay’s.  As sad as you get thinking about leaving them, imagine what goes through Mr. Carter’s head.  Dude went from bricks to billboards!!  Young’s got a lot to lose.

So next time you are rocking the turbulence, remember that Jay is in that shit all the time.  Dude still gets nervous, but you know he survives and you probably will too.  His Louis Vuitton parachute gives him a little bit of an edge, but still.

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6. The Temperature of Coffee

22 03 2010

Those of you familiar with Jay-Z know that the guy spits hot fire.  You might not know that, like many of us, he also spits hot as fire coffee out of his mouth sometimes, because they make that shit hotter than the sun.  Jigga is not above the often unacknowledged fact that coffee from Starbu’s or McDiesels is always waaay too hot to drink right away and waaay too cold after you finally remember you bought it and wanted some.  This kind of coffee literally has two temperatures:  earth’s core or room temp.  Neither of these levels interest Jay.  To put it in rap terms that cup is either Jay Z Black Album level FIRE (approx 550°f) or the fourth DMX album level fire (approx. 74°f).  Why can’t we come in at a reasonable level?  How hard is that shit?

Quick story:  One time Jay was mad tired AND mad thirsty.  You know he wants to kill two birds with one drank so he tells his boy Bleek to grab him a fresh ass coffee from the ‘bucks.  Bleek even gets the order right this time, straight black coffee, and hits his man up with the mug.  Jay takes a swig(ga), realizes it’s hot as an early 90’s Adina Howard video, and spits that shit all over Dame Dash’s favorite white Rocawear sweats.  Boom!  Dame stops talking to Jay and starts hanging out with Jim Jones’s broke ass.  Coffee ruined not only a dynasty but The Dynasty (Roc la Familia).

That’s why he plays it safe with an iced coffee usually.  He doesn’t want his new bff Lebron dissing him to hang out with MIMS because he ruined ‘Bron’s white throwback MJ jersey.

(Comments bonus:  See if you can name a (Jay-Z Best Friend), who leaves Jay to hang out with a (Wack Ass Rapper), because Jay spit coffee on his white (Prized Item).)

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5. Flossing

16 03 2010

As most of you know, there are two types of flossing.  One involves flaunting your wealth and ballin’ outrageous.  The other involves teeth.  Jay-z practically has a PHD in number one.  I mean are you serious?  Have you seen the “Big Pimpin” video?  That shit was practically the original “Boats and Hos” right there.  Do you have access to google?  Google flossin, jay-z, and lyrics.  That shit is in mad Jigga songs.  You think a man like Jay-z raps about shit he doesn’t know?  Here’s a quick formula explaining the shit Jay-z has covered:  (everything) – (99 things) = (Things Jay knows).  He’s got plenty of material!  No need to Front(in’ by Pharrell featuring jay-z).  So what we talkin’ bout Hov?

We’re talking about the second kind of flossing.  That would be flossing your teeth.  That shit is a pain in the ass!!  How many of you actually floss and are not employed in some sort of dental profession?  How many of you are just like: “maaaan, I don’t have time to floss, fuck that.”  Well compared to Jay-z you don’t do shit.  There is literally no one in the world who handles more biz than Jay.  That dude spends more time getting suits tailored each week than you spend at your JOB!  Now he’s also supposed to find time to pull string between his teeth?  Flossing probably takes about 2 minutes.  That’s an opportunity cost of about $500,000 for Jay.  Is it worth it for him to get his floss on?  fuckouttahere.  So every six months he has to lie right to his dentists face.  That bitch ass dentist won’t say shit either.  Guarantee Jay buys the first flossbot5000.  Till then it’s a problem.

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4. The English System

12 03 2010

Now hold up.  I am not referring to the English language by any means.  If the English language was a city, Jay-Z would be a important elected official of that city.  Let’s say Mayor.  The guy is a lyrical genius and knows his way around the words we say.

What I’m referring to is the English System of Weights and Measures.  You know, pounds, inches, etc.  Now don’t get me wrong, Jay has adapted.  He can get around using it.  But it’s not native.  Why not you ask?  First of all, stop asking so many questions.  Second, it’s because Jay used to have a job that required a strong knowledge of the Metric system.

As you may have learned from any song he’s ever made, Jay-Z used to work as a street pharmaceutical rep.  He was straight slanging drugs maaaan.  Well you know they measure that shit in grams and kilos!!  Come on dun, you’ve seen Scarface!  Well imagine you’re a younger Jay-Z and you come up learning all that metric shit so you can slang crack rock ‘cuz you ain’t got a wicked jump shot.  Then you go to school through the eighty’s and all your teachers are telling you the US is going to adopt the Metric system anyway so you have to learn it.  Then BAM, you leave the game, find out your teachers where mad wrong, and all of a sudden are forced to function in society.

Remember when Jay got pulled over for doing fifty five in a fifty four?  Doesn’t that sound like a made up speed limit?  That’s because Jay is talking about kilometers per hour.  He still converts it to understand.  Why do you think he’s always hanging out with Coldplay and chillin in Europe?  You saw the ‘Blue Magic’ video when he was tossing around Euro’s!  I mean he still tells the doctor his measurements in kilo’s and meters.  Good thing Jay’s doctors are smart as shit!    Anyway, if you ever think you’ll become close friends with Mr. Carter in the future I suggest learning the conversions.  Be a pal.

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3. Remembering People’s Names

11 03 2010

Have you ever meet like three people in a row and immediately forgot all their names?  Of course you have.  Now imagine that you’re at P. Diddy’s famous White Party and you meet four hundred people in a row.  Or you’re at a concert and meet like four thousand people backstage, some with names like LaRondiqua that you’ve never heard in your LIFE.  You see where this is going?  Damn son,  it’s bad enough that Jigga’s gotta remember his own forty two nicknames, hundreds of historical figures for timely references, the lyrics to his one hundred billion songs, plus Memph Bleek’s social security number (because he’s always forgetting it).  Now you expect him to remember Flo’ Rida’s cousin’s name?  fuckouttahere.  He ain’t a robot from the future.  He ain’t rain man.  He’s just Jay-Z.  So basically, if he forgets your name…let it slide chief.  At least he spoke to you!   I’d rather him call me guy/champ/buddy/JaRule than nothing at all.  Preach!

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2. The HOV Lane

9 03 2010

Ain’t that a bitch?  Hov himself rarely qualifies for the HOV lane.  Talk about irony.  The fact of the matter is the Maserati doesn’t exactly have a lot of room for a running crew.  I mean Jigga’s already a tall drink of water.  Then you got to consider all the sick ass Rocawear gear he’s got with him, the suitcases of money, plus all Memphis Bleek’s shit that he’s holding until M dot finds a bigger apartment.  Given all that, how in the world do you expect him to then fit Beyonce’s fadass in there?  It ain’t happening.  Moral of the story, when he’s rolling solo dolo, no access to the HOV.  Luckily he usually just flies everywhere.

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1. Curveballs

9 03 2010

Now when I say curveballs please believe that I am speaking literally.  I mean you think that Jay-Z can’t handle metaphorical curveballs?  Come on son, Jigga’s mind is lightning fast.  He adapts to situations with an unrivaled speed.  You hear his verse off [J]igga What, [J]igga Who?  That shit was the quickness.

It’s just that, well, he occasionally has difficulty reading the spin on an incoming pitch.  He ain’t Albert Pujols up in here.  He don’t go by J-Rod.  He has a hard time sometimes!  I mean, it might end up costing him a roster spot in the next Rock n’ Jock baseball game, but it ain’t no thang.  So for those of you out there who also struggle with the sneakiest of pitches, keep this in mind, S. Carter struggles as well.  Rick Rubin ain’t no pitch coach.  He’s just a beat scientist.

One love.

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