11. Computers

11 05 2010

Shawn Carter was born December 4th, 1969…you know the story.  But if you’re paying attention then you realize that Jay-Z is 40 going on 41, he’s old.  Jay came of age in the ’80s.  And like his non rapping peers, he sucks at computers.  He used to do Roc a Fella’s finances on an abacus, now you expect him to know what a blog is?

Shit’s kind of fucked up but Jay has no idea how to put his own music on an iPod.  He makes Beyonce do that  for him.  She’s good with that kind of shit (see: Video Phone).  But then he wonders why half his tunes are Destiny’s Child related.  When his shuffle keeps playing Michelle Williams gospel albums he gets kind of annoyed, not to mention all that chopped and screwed shit B used to listen to in Texas.

IPod’s are the least of his worries though.  At one point last year he was going through a new laptop a week because he clicked on every link he received.  BLIZZYBLEEK has sent you a message: “OMG, check out this pic I found of you!  Click here: http://www.obviouscomputervirus.com”.  Don’t click Jigga!  He eventually figured it out.

Also, you know how he never writes down his lyrics?  You obviously know this because people (Jay included) never stop talking about it.  What you don’t know is that it’s because he doesn’t know how to use MS Word.  That little paper clip pisses him the fuck off, so you know he ain’t learning anytime soon.  Fuck that paper clip, acting like he know Jay.  Well when you take such strong stances against word processing programs you have to adapt.  What’s that you say?  Use a notebook?  1) No, writing takes time.  2) The crew smokes up all the available paper anyway, you want them smoking up classics?  fuckouttahere.  That’s why Nas always forgets his lyrics, brother done smoked ’em up.  3) There’s about 300 wack ass rappers just waiting for Jay to write shit down so they can jack it.  I heard a rumor that Jim Jones last album was almost totally full of rhymes Jay said in his sleep in 1997.  Dame used to tape that shit in case something happened.  Yeah that’s right, “We fly high (Ballin)” was just Jay talking in his sleep and that shit went like triple platinum.

Anyway the point is Jay don’t fuck with computers.  Ain’t no HTML in ROC.

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6. The Temperature of Coffee

22 03 2010

Those of you familiar with Jay-Z know that the guy spits hot fire.  You might not know that, like many of us, he also spits hot as fire coffee out of his mouth sometimes, because they make that shit hotter than the sun.  Jigga is not above the often unacknowledged fact that coffee from Starbu’s or McDiesels is always waaay too hot to drink right away and waaay too cold after you finally remember you bought it and wanted some.  This kind of coffee literally has two temperatures:  earth’s core or room temp.  Neither of these levels interest Jay.  To put it in rap terms that cup is either Jay Z Black Album level FIRE (approx 550°f) or the fourth DMX album level fire (approx. 74°f).  Why can’t we come in at a reasonable level?  How hard is that shit?

Quick story:  One time Jay was mad tired AND mad thirsty.  You know he wants to kill two birds with one drank so he tells his boy Bleek to grab him a fresh ass coffee from the ‘bucks.  Bleek even gets the order right this time, straight black coffee, and hits his man up with the mug.  Jay takes a swig(ga), realizes it’s hot as an early 90’s Adina Howard video, and spits that shit all over Dame Dash’s favorite white Rocawear sweats.  Boom!  Dame stops talking to Jay and starts hanging out with Jim Jones’s broke ass.  Coffee ruined not only a dynasty but The Dynasty (Roc la Familia).

That’s why he plays it safe with an iced coffee usually.  He doesn’t want his new bff Lebron dissing him to hang out with MIMS because he ruined ‘Bron’s white throwback MJ jersey.

(Comments bonus:  See if you can name a (Jay-Z Best Friend), who leaves Jay to hang out with a (Wack Ass Rapper), because Jay spit coffee on his white (Prized Item).)

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