9. Golf

11 04 2010

Believe it or not, Marcy Projects do not have a golf course.  Jay was able to escape this wack ass game for a solid 30+ years of his life.  He had a good run.  But let’s face facts, Jigga is going for mogul, and moguls play golf.  I mean to move on to the next one, it involves doing biz with a lot of old ass white dudes.  You know why Bill Gates and Donald Trump won’t let Nelly in(a)?  It’s because he fucking sucks at golf.  It’s frustrating playing with someone who sucks, and therefore all aspiring titans of industry need to learn the game.

Mr. Carter recently joined a country club and the dude had more shanks in his first round then fight night in prison.  He was trying to catch some lessons from Tiger but then Mr. Woods revealed that  bitches are like 20 of his problems, and Jay don’t get down like that.  His next plan is to get one of those electronic driving ranges in his jet, for practice during turbulence free times.

Imagine him playing 18 with Bloomberg, Memph Bleek suggesting all the wrong clubs.  Tee off with a 6 iron?  Come on Bleek.  Luckily Jay is mad coordinated from all the shooting he used to have to do, so it shouldn’t take him too long to learn.  Fore!-tune 500.

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8. Understanding the Bone Thugs

9 04 2010

Let’s get real people, nobody understands the Bone Thugs.  Eazy E discovered them and even he had no clue what they were saying.  Most of us never have to worry about interacting with Bone except for when we groove to their classics.  Well Jay Z used to see them all the time, source awards, strip clubs, you name it.  Dude was straight nervous the first time he was gonna chill with them.  I mean when you’re trying to get into the rap game in the mid 90’s you better not fuck shit up with the thuggish ruggish.  Luckily Jay is sick at contextual clues and reading body language.  He figured out most of what they were saying except for briefly thinking they were Buddhist b/c of all their buddha lover talk.  He even knew not to bring up Uncle Charlie (RIP).  They miss that dude all day.

There were unforeseen outcomes of hanging with them though.  Jay’s a NY dude, if you haven’t noticed.  And he’s also been known to hang out in VA, dribbling and participating in other, more illegal, activities.  Well needless to say he doesn’t make it out to Cleveland that often.  He seriously thought that everyone from Cleveland talked like Bone Thugs.  He was psyched about all the harmonizing, but again, worried about comprehension.  He was mad nervous to meet LeBron the first time, him being a Cleveland cat.  Luckily it’s just the rhyming fools of n’ harmony who talk like that.  Them and Bernie Kosar after a couple beers.

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April Fools Special: A Bitch?

1 04 2010

Surprised?  Yeah, Jay finally has to deal with this shit too.  Once Nas clowned him he started catching feelings for broads left and right to help him cope.  He also began to be stressed by pussies having no gd sense, started holding his gun in a sweet manner, stopped busting grapes in fruit fights, etc, etc.  Today is a sad day as we must acknowledge that Jay now has 100 problems.  Psych.  April fools SON!

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7. Turbulence

31 03 2010

Scenario: You’re up in the air, flier than the rest of ‘em, when all of a sudden the plane starts shaking and dipping low like Christina Milian.  They call that shit turbulence and it’s scary as hell.  Now it’s been established that Jay flies a fucking lot, let’s just say he’s mentioned it once or twice.  Well as rich as he is Jay stays flying the same sky we do and that sky is not always calm.  Take the amount of times you’ve been in turbulence in your life, now multiply that number by 100.  That’s how many times Jay has been in turbulence, THIS YEAR!  He may be better than you in almost every way but best believe he can’t fly without a plane either.

Plus you know Big Homey’s always playing pool and shit like that on his plane; hanging out with the pilot.  So, when he hits turbulence, he not only has to return to his seat but he also has to stop recording in his airborne studio, or some similarly baller activity.  That is not only scary, but singlehandedly delayed BP3.  It’s hard to record an album when you spend half your time commuting via air.

Now when you start to think the planes going down you probably start thinking about your girl and your life and everything you would leave behind if this was the one.  Well your girl ain’t Beyonce and your life ain’t Jay’s.  As sad as you get thinking about leaving them, imagine what goes through Mr. Carter’s head.  Dude went from bricks to billboards!!  Young’s got a lot to lose.

So next time you are rocking the turbulence, remember that Jay is in that shit all the time.  Dude still gets nervous, but you know he survives and you probably will too.  His Louis Vuitton parachute gives him a little bit of an edge, but still.

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6. The Temperature of Coffee

22 03 2010

Those of you familiar with Jay-Z know that the guy spits hot fire.  You might not know that, like many of us, he also spits hot as fire coffee out of his mouth sometimes, because they make that shit hotter than the sun.  Jigga is not above the often unacknowledged fact that coffee from Starbu’s or McDiesels is always waaay too hot to drink right away and waaay too cold after you finally remember you bought it and wanted some.  This kind of coffee literally has two temperatures:  earth’s core or room temp.  Neither of these levels interest Jay.  To put it in rap terms that cup is either Jay Z Black Album level FIRE (approx 550°f) or the fourth DMX album level fire (approx. 74°f).  Why can’t we come in at a reasonable level?  How hard is that shit?

Quick story:  One time Jay was mad tired AND mad thirsty.  You know he wants to kill two birds with one drank so he tells his boy Bleek to grab him a fresh ass coffee from the ‘bucks.  Bleek even gets the order right this time, straight black coffee, and hits his man up with the mug.  Jay takes a swig(ga), realizes it’s hot as an early 90’s Adina Howard video, and spits that shit all over Dame Dash’s favorite white Rocawear sweats.  Boom!  Dame stops talking to Jay and starts hanging out with Jim Jones’s broke ass.  Coffee ruined not only a dynasty but The Dynasty (Roc la Familia).

That’s why he plays it safe with an iced coffee usually.  He doesn’t want his new bff Lebron dissing him to hang out with MIMS because he ruined ‘Bron’s white throwback MJ jersey.

(Comments bonus:  See if you can name a (Jay-Z Best Friend), who leaves Jay to hang out with a (Wack Ass Rapper), because Jay spit coffee on his white (Prized Item).)

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5. Flossing

16 03 2010

As most of you know, there are two types of flossing.  One involves flaunting your wealth and ballin’ outrageous.  The other involves teeth.  Jay-z practically has a PHD in number one.  I mean are you serious?  Have you seen the “Big Pimpin” video?  That shit was practically the original “Boats and Hos” right there.  Do you have access to google?  Google flossin, jay-z, and lyrics.  That shit is in mad Jigga songs.  You think a man like Jay-z raps about shit he doesn’t know?  Here’s a quick formula explaining the shit Jay-z has covered:  (everything) – (99 things) = (Things Jay knows).  He’s got plenty of material!  No need to Front(in’ by Pharrell featuring jay-z).  So what we talkin’ bout Hov?

We’re talking about the second kind of flossing.  That would be flossing your teeth.  That shit is a pain in the ass!!  How many of you actually floss and are not employed in some sort of dental profession?  How many of you are just like: “maaaan, I don’t have time to floss, fuck that.”  Well compared to Jay-z you don’t do shit.  There is literally no one in the world who handles more biz than Jay.  That dude spends more time getting suits tailored each week than you spend at your JOB!  Now he’s also supposed to find time to pull string between his teeth?  Flossing probably takes about 2 minutes.  That’s an opportunity cost of about $500,000 for Jay.  Is it worth it for him to get his floss on?  fuckouttahere.  So every six months he has to lie right to his dentists face.  That bitch ass dentist won’t say shit either.  Guarantee Jay buys the first flossbot5000.  Till then it’s a problem.

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4. The English System

12 03 2010

Now hold up.  I am not referring to the English language by any means.  If the English language was a city, Jay-Z would be a important elected official of that city.  Let’s say Mayor.  The guy is a lyrical genius and knows his way around the words we say.

What I’m referring to is the English System of Weights and Measures.  You know, pounds, inches, etc.  Now don’t get me wrong, Jay has adapted.  He can get around using it.  But it’s not native.  Why not you ask?  First of all, stop asking so many questions.  Second, it’s because Jay used to have a job that required a strong knowledge of the Metric system.

As you may have learned from any song he’s ever made, Jay-Z used to work as a street pharmaceutical rep.  He was straight slanging drugs maaaan.  Well you know they measure that shit in grams and kilos!!  Come on dun, you’ve seen Scarface!  Well imagine you’re a younger Jay-Z and you come up learning all that metric shit so you can slang crack rock ‘cuz you ain’t got a wicked jump shot.  Then you go to school through the eighty’s and all your teachers are telling you the US is going to adopt the Metric system anyway so you have to learn it.  Then BAM, you leave the game, find out your teachers where mad wrong, and all of a sudden are forced to function in society.

Remember when Jay got pulled over for doing fifty five in a fifty four?  Doesn’t that sound like a made up speed limit?  That’s because Jay is talking about kilometers per hour.  He still converts it to understand.  Why do you think he’s always hanging out with Coldplay and chillin in Europe?  You saw the ‘Blue Magic’ video when he was tossing around Euro’s!  I mean he still tells the doctor his measurements in kilo’s and meters.  Good thing Jay’s doctors are smart as shit!    Anyway, if you ever think you’ll become close friends with Mr. Carter in the future I suggest learning the conversions.  Be a pal.

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