13. Retirement

23 06 2010

I think it’s pretty obvious already that Jay Z sucks at retirement.  Technically he’s 1 for 2 so far.  I mean he did give up slanging bricks, so I guess that’s kind of retirement.  Even though he said: “I don’t give a fuck if I sold one or one million but I think you should, because if I only sold one then out comes the hood”.  This basically means he was heading right back to the crack game if the whole rapping thing fell through.  But his retirement from rap didn’t last too long.  He hated that shit.

First of all when he was retired he had to find something to do with all the time he used to be in the booth.  Dude used to spend mad time in the booth.   What’s he supposed to do now?  Play xbox?!  Naw, he’s old, he hates that shit.  Play golf?!?  We already said he hates golf.  I mean basically the dude chilled on his yacht all day.  You ever been on a yacht without bottles OR models?  It’s fucking boring.  You can only do so many crossword puzzles before you get tired of that.  And don’t even think about naps.  Jay Z hates naps more than your three year old cousin.  When he found out that Nas doesn’t sleep, he vowed that he’d at least give up naps.  He couldn’t even hang out with Beyonce because she was out telling the world she needed a soldier and starring in The Pink Panther, among other retarded things.

The other reason he hated it was peeps were trying to act like they were the best in the game.  Jay Z didn’t retire his ears you dumb bastards!  Why you gotta talk shit to the champ when he’s out the game?  Dumb, very dumb.  So instead of staying retired he came back and continued to smash records ALL DAY.  Great!  Good luck catching him now.  Lil’ Wayne’s been rapping since he was 14 and he ain’t even half way there.  Shit’s weak.  So basically Jay’s got Florida on hold for now, maybe he’ll try again after 20 number one albums.

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12. Taxes

12 06 2010

Jays been known to tax an ass or two, but one of his problems is definitely taxes.  Them IRS mothafuckers don’t play!  They got Capone!  The real one, not the rapper.  They even got Blade!  The IRS did what a shit ton of vampires couldn’t do.  Now is that some shit you want to play with?  C’mon Son! With mo’ money, comes mo’ taxes, so best believe Jay stays vigilant.  He’s got like 11 accountants.  Math dudes watching math dudes watching his cash, dudes.

You guys ever do your taxes?  I bet some of you think that shit is hard.  You got like two w-2’s and you’re shitting your pants over it.  Jay actually owns things!  Expensive things!  He must think he’s in Monopoly with all the Luxury tax he’s paying.  You know what bracket he’s in for income tax?  The kind that got hooked up by Bush son.  I believe the term is “stanky rich”.  Remember when your cousin Bo Bo got audited?  Dude owed like $2,000 in taxes.  Jay pays that on one piece of jewelry son.  IRS would be all over his shit if he didn’t pay.  In the words of X: “this is not a fucking game.”

Now when you’re mad rich you gotta do things to offset all the taxes you’re dropping each year.  I mean Jay’s paying enough to fund like three government departments, that’s guap!  That’s why he signed half the artists he did to Rocafella.  Beanie Sigel?  Freeway!?  Memph Bleek!!?  No disrespect but signing those guys is considered a charitable contribution to the arts.  Jay wrote that shit off.  Don’t play with the government maaaane.  Jigga don’t.

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