11. Computers

11 05 2010

Shawn Carter was born December 4th, 1969…you know the story.  But if you’re paying attention then you realize that Jay-Z is 40 going on 41, he’s old.  Jay came of age in the ’80s.  And like his non rapping peers, he sucks at computers.  He used to do Roc a Fella’s finances on an abacus, now you expect him to know what a blog is?

Shit’s kind of fucked up but Jay has no idea how to put his own music on an iPod.  He makes Beyonce do that  for him.  She’s good with that kind of shit (see: Video Phone).  But then he wonders why half his tunes are Destiny’s Child related.  When his shuffle keeps playing Michelle Williams gospel albums he gets kind of annoyed, not to mention all that chopped and screwed shit B used to listen to in Texas.

IPod’s are the least of his worries though.  At one point last year he was going through a new laptop a week because he clicked on every link he received.  BLIZZYBLEEK has sent you a message: “OMG, check out this pic I found of you!  Click here: http://www.obviouscomputervirus.com”.  Don’t click Jigga!  He eventually figured it out.

Also, you know how he never writes down his lyrics?  You obviously know this because people (Jay included) never stop talking about it.  What you don’t know is that it’s because he doesn’t know how to use MS Word.  That little paper clip pisses him the fuck off, so you know he ain’t learning anytime soon.  Fuck that paper clip, acting like he know Jay.  Well when you take such strong stances against word processing programs you have to adapt.  What’s that you say?  Use a notebook?  1) No, writing takes time.  2) The crew smokes up all the available paper anyway, you want them smoking up classics?  fuckouttahere.  That’s why Nas always forgets his lyrics, brother done smoked ’em up.  3) There’s about 300 wack ass rappers just waiting for Jay to write shit down so they can jack it.  I heard a rumor that Jim Jones last album was almost totally full of rhymes Jay said in his sleep in 1997.  Dame used to tape that shit in case something happened.  Yeah that’s right, “We fly high (Ballin)” was just Jay talking in his sleep and that shit went like triple platinum.

Anyway the point is Jay don’t fuck with computers.  Ain’t no HTML in ROC.

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5. Flossing

16 03 2010

As most of you know, there are two types of flossing.  One involves flaunting your wealth and ballin’ outrageous.  The other involves teeth.  Jay-z practically has a PHD in number one.  I mean are you serious?  Have you seen the “Big Pimpin” video?  That shit was practically the original “Boats and Hos” right there.  Do you have access to google?  Google flossin, jay-z, and lyrics.  That shit is in mad Jigga songs.  You think a man like Jay-z raps about shit he doesn’t know?  Here’s a quick formula explaining the shit Jay-z has covered:  (everything) – (99 things) = (Things Jay knows).  He’s got plenty of material!  No need to Front(in’ by Pharrell featuring jay-z).  So what we talkin’ bout Hov?

We’re talking about the second kind of flossing.  That would be flossing your teeth.  That shit is a pain in the ass!!  How many of you actually floss and are not employed in some sort of dental profession?  How many of you are just like: “maaaan, I don’t have time to floss, fuck that.”  Well compared to Jay-z you don’t do shit.  There is literally no one in the world who handles more biz than Jay.  That dude spends more time getting suits tailored each week than you spend at your JOB!  Now he’s also supposed to find time to pull string between his teeth?  Flossing probably takes about 2 minutes.  That’s an opportunity cost of about $500,000 for Jay.  Is it worth it for him to get his floss on?  fuckouttahere.  So every six months he has to lie right to his dentists face.  That bitch ass dentist won’t say shit either.  Guarantee Jay buys the first flossbot5000.  Till then it’s a problem.

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