13. Retirement

23 06 2010

I think it’s pretty obvious already that Jay Z sucks at retirement.  Technically he’s 1 for 2 so far.  I mean he did give up slanging bricks, so I guess that’s kind of retirement.  Even though he said: “I don’t give a fuck if I sold one or one million but I think you should, because if I only sold one then out comes the hood”.  This basically means he was heading right back to the crack game if the whole rapping thing fell through.  But his retirement from rap didn’t last too long.  He hated that shit.

First of all when he was retired he had to find something to do with all the time he used to be in the booth.  Dude used to spend mad time in the booth.   What’s he supposed to do now?  Play xbox?!  Naw, he’s old, he hates that shit.  Play golf?!?  We already said he hates golf.  I mean basically the dude chilled on his yacht all day.  You ever been on a yacht without bottles OR models?  It’s fucking boring.  You can only do so many crossword puzzles before you get tired of that.  And don’t even think about naps.  Jay Z hates naps more than your three year old cousin.  When he found out that Nas doesn’t sleep, he vowed that he’d at least give up naps.  He couldn’t even hang out with Beyonce because she was out telling the world she needed a soldier and starring in The Pink Panther, among other retarded things.

The other reason he hated it was peeps were trying to act like they were the best in the game.  Jay Z didn’t retire his ears you dumb bastards!  Why you gotta talk shit to the champ when he’s out the game?  Dumb, very dumb.  So instead of staying retired he came back and continued to smash records ALL DAY.  Great!  Good luck catching him now.  Lil’ Wayne’s been rapping since he was 14 and he ain’t even half way there.  Shit’s weak.  So basically Jay’s got Florida on hold for now, maybe he’ll try again after 20 number one albums.

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11. Computers

11 05 2010

Shawn Carter was born December 4th, 1969…you know the story.  But if you’re paying attention then you realize that Jay-Z is 40 going on 41, he’s old.  Jay came of age in the ’80s.  And like his non rapping peers, he sucks at computers.  He used to do Roc a Fella’s finances on an abacus, now you expect him to know what a blog is?

Shit’s kind of fucked up but Jay has no idea how to put his own music on an iPod.  He makes Beyonce do that  for him.  She’s good with that kind of shit (see: Video Phone).  But then he wonders why half his tunes are Destiny’s Child related.  When his shuffle keeps playing Michelle Williams gospel albums he gets kind of annoyed, not to mention all that chopped and screwed shit B used to listen to in Texas.

IPod’s are the least of his worries though.  At one point last year he was going through a new laptop a week because he clicked on every link he received.  BLIZZYBLEEK has sent you a message: “OMG, check out this pic I found of you!  Click here: http://www.obviouscomputervirus.com”.  Don’t click Jigga!  He eventually figured it out.

Also, you know how he never writes down his lyrics?  You obviously know this because people (Jay included) never stop talking about it.  What you don’t know is that it’s because he doesn’t know how to use MS Word.  That little paper clip pisses him the fuck off, so you know he ain’t learning anytime soon.  Fuck that paper clip, acting like he know Jay.  Well when you take such strong stances against word processing programs you have to adapt.  What’s that you say?  Use a notebook?  1) No, writing takes time.  2) The crew smokes up all the available paper anyway, you want them smoking up classics?  fuckouttahere.  That’s why Nas always forgets his lyrics, brother done smoked ’em up.  3) There’s about 300 wack ass rappers just waiting for Jay to write shit down so they can jack it.  I heard a rumor that Jim Jones last album was almost totally full of rhymes Jay said in his sleep in 1997.  Dame used to tape that shit in case something happened.  Yeah that’s right, “We fly high (Ballin)” was just Jay talking in his sleep and that shit went like triple platinum.

Anyway the point is Jay don’t fuck with computers.  Ain’t no HTML in ROC.

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7. Turbulence

31 03 2010

Scenario: You’re up in the air, flier than the rest of ‘em, when all of a sudden the plane starts shaking and dipping low like Christina Milian.  They call that shit turbulence and it’s scary as hell.  Now it’s been established that Jay flies a fucking lot, let’s just say he’s mentioned it once or twice.  Well as rich as he is Jay stays flying the same sky we do and that sky is not always calm.  Take the amount of times you’ve been in turbulence in your life, now multiply that number by 100.  That’s how many times Jay has been in turbulence, THIS YEAR!  He may be better than you in almost every way but best believe he can’t fly without a plane either.

Plus you know Big Homey’s always playing pool and shit like that on his plane; hanging out with the pilot.  So, when he hits turbulence, he not only has to return to his seat but he also has to stop recording in his airborne studio, or some similarly baller activity.  That is not only scary, but singlehandedly delayed BP3.  It’s hard to record an album when you spend half your time commuting via air.

Now when you start to think the planes going down you probably start thinking about your girl and your life and everything you would leave behind if this was the one.  Well your girl ain’t Beyonce and your life ain’t Jay’s.  As sad as you get thinking about leaving them, imagine what goes through Mr. Carter’s head.  Dude went from bricks to billboards!!  Young’s got a lot to lose.

So next time you are rocking the turbulence, remember that Jay is in that shit all the time.  Dude still gets nervous, but you know he survives and you probably will too.  His Louis Vuitton parachute gives him a little bit of an edge, but still.

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