10. DMX

24 04 2010

X almost counts as two problems.  I mean Jigga’s gotta worry about his well being as a friend, but he also has to worry about him wile’n out and robbing Jay.  You never know what that dude is gonna do.  He’s a fucking wild card.  Jay made beautiful music with X (Money, Cash, Hos), so he can’t abandon his homey.  Plus they’re both NY cats.  But, what the fuck is DMX doing?  Seriously.  Does anyone know?  I mean, he’s obviously barking, I know that…but where?  Imagine how stressful these questions are when the answer could be “your apartment”, or “jail, needing you to bail him out”.  How many dudes do you know who could equally be 1) in a church preaching, 2) pretending to be a federal officer, 3) making an album, or 4) completely blowing off a sold out concert.  Takes a rare man.  In the alphabet Z comes after X, but in real life it might be the opposite, so Jay watches his shit around Earl Simmons.

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9. Golf

11 04 2010

Believe it or not, Marcy Projects do not have a golf course.  Jay was able to escape this wack ass game for a solid 30+ years of his life.  He had a good run.  But let’s face facts, Jigga is going for mogul, and moguls play golf.  I mean to move on to the next one, it involves doing biz with a lot of old ass white dudes.  You know why Bill Gates and Donald Trump won’t let Nelly in(a)?  It’s because he fucking sucks at golf.  It’s frustrating playing with someone who sucks, and therefore all aspiring titans of industry need to learn the game.

Mr. Carter recently joined a country club and the dude had more shanks in his first round then fight night in prison.  He was trying to catch some lessons from Tiger but then Mr. Woods revealed that  bitches are like 20 of his problems, and Jay don’t get down like that.  His next plan is to get one of those electronic driving ranges in his jet, for practice during turbulence free times.

Imagine him playing 18 with Bloomberg, Memph Bleek suggesting all the wrong clubs.  Tee off with a 6 iron?  Come on Bleek.  Luckily Jay is mad coordinated from all the shooting he used to have to do, so it shouldn’t take him too long to learn.  Fore!-tune 500.

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8. Understanding the Bone Thugs

9 04 2010

Let’s get real people, nobody understands the Bone Thugs.  Eazy E discovered them and even he had no clue what they were saying.  Most of us never have to worry about interacting with Bone except for when we groove to their classics.  Well Jay Z used to see them all the time, source awards, strip clubs, you name it.  Dude was straight nervous the first time he was gonna chill with them.  I mean when you’re trying to get into the rap game in the mid 90’s you better not fuck shit up with the thuggish ruggish.  Luckily Jay is sick at contextual clues and reading body language.  He figured out most of what they were saying except for briefly thinking they were Buddhist b/c of all their buddha lover talk.  He even knew not to bring up Uncle Charlie (RIP).  They miss that dude all day.

There were unforeseen outcomes of hanging with them though.  Jay’s a NY dude, if you haven’t noticed.  And he’s also been known to hang out in VA, dribbling and participating in other, more illegal, activities.  Well needless to say he doesn’t make it out to Cleveland that often.  He seriously thought that everyone from Cleveland talked like Bone Thugs.  He was psyched about all the harmonizing, but again, worried about comprehension.  He was mad nervous to meet LeBron the first time, him being a Cleveland cat.  Luckily it’s just the rhyming fools of n’ harmony who talk like that.  Them and Bernie Kosar after a couple beers.

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April Fools Special: A Bitch?

1 04 2010

Surprised?  Yeah, Jay finally has to deal with this shit too.  Once Nas clowned him he started catching feelings for broads left and right to help him cope.  He also began to be stressed by pussies having no gd sense, started holding his gun in a sweet manner, stopped busting grapes in fruit fights, etc, etc.  Today is a sad day as we must acknowledge that Jay now has 100 problems.  Psych.  April fools SON!

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