14. Proper Hydration

28 07 2010

Let’s get real.  You mothafuckas don’t drink 8 glasses of water a day.   Stop bullshittin.  You know grape drink don’t count, so don’t act like it does.  What’s that?  You’re busy?!!  Think about how busy Jay is, he owns more cars and homes then you’ve even been in.   Then consider he’s drinking all kinds of exotic liquors all the time, as well as pricey ass champagne and wine.  When is dude supposed to hydrate?  Plus, you didn’t even think about how much spitting he’s doing. I mean, yeah, that’s not exactly what he means by “spitting” but you’re dumb if you don’t think that shit dehydrates.  Jay probably only drinks fucking classy ass water too, straight from some mountain spring in the Arctic or some shit.  Like that shit from Waterboy (act like you ain’t seen Waterboy).  He can’t just run to the water fountain real quick between verses, that shit needs to be shipped in!  The logistics alone are enough to make someone sweat, which ain’t helping.

So what’s the solution?  Can’t stop drinking water, he needs to stay healthy to enjoy his baller ass existence.  So carry one of those nalgene bottles?  Nope, he has enough shit to carry around with his 4 wallets, two blackberrys (his and bleeks), his iphone, like 8 demo tapes people keep giving him, snacks n’ shit, etc.  No room for that shit.   He rocks european stuff, but he ain’t getting no man purse.  So he just makes his mans n’ ’em carry mad bottles.  The Jigga man is human and humans need water, that’s some PSA shit right there.  Preach.

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5. Flossing

16 03 2010

As most of you know, there are two types of flossing.  One involves flaunting your wealth and ballin’ outrageous.  The other involves teeth.  Jay-z practically has a PHD in number one.  I mean are you serious?  Have you seen the “Big Pimpin” video?  That shit was practically the original “Boats and Hos” right there.  Do you have access to google?  Google flossin, jay-z, and lyrics.  That shit is in mad Jigga songs.  You think a man like Jay-z raps about shit he doesn’t know?  Here’s a quick formula explaining the shit Jay-z has covered:  (everything) – (99 things) = (Things Jay knows).  He’s got plenty of material!  No need to Front(in’ by Pharrell featuring jay-z).  So what we talkin’ bout Hov?

We’re talking about the second kind of flossing.  That would be flossing your teeth.  That shit is a pain in the ass!!  How many of you actually floss and are not employed in some sort of dental profession?  How many of you are just like: “maaaan, I don’t have time to floss, fuck that.”  Well compared to Jay-z you don’t do shit.  There is literally no one in the world who handles more biz than Jay.  That dude spends more time getting suits tailored each week than you spend at your JOB!  Now he’s also supposed to find time to pull string between his teeth?  Flossing probably takes about 2 minutes.  That’s an opportunity cost of about $500,000 for Jay.  Is it worth it for him to get his floss on?  fuckouttahere.  So every six months he has to lie right to his dentists face.  That bitch ass dentist won’t say shit either.  Guarantee Jay buys the first flossbot5000.  Till then it’s a problem.

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