16. Charlie Sheen

4 03 2011

You guys ever read those Forbe’s lists about the richest rappers?  Maybe it was Fortune 500, who gives a shit, the point is Jay Z is always on it.  Now remember in like ’06 when he released the wackest Jay Z album of all time, Kingdom Come?  How did he still make the list!?  I’ll tell you how, smart ass investing.

You know what one of his best investments was?  Two and a motha fucking half Men.  That shit got Jigga paid son.  I’m talking, take 50’s vitamin water money and multiply that shit by 8 years.  That’s grown folk cash right there.

Well needless to say Shawn is not too happy about Charlie Sheen going batshit insane.  I mean first of all, how dare he come up with more marketable quotes than the wordsmith himself?  I mean Jay Z invented coming up with sweet ass phrases/lyrics that would become income generators for other individuals.  Just ask Cassidy, this blog, and other chumps who have sampled the greatest.  Now Chaz Sheen is cornering the market in quotables.  Dude has dropped ridiculous amounts of ridiculous.  It’s gnarly.

And second of all, as I mentioned, he’s fucking up Jigga’s 2.5 men nest egg.  How’s he going to provide for that big ass baby Beyonce will inevitably pop out?  I mean he’s obviously going to be fine, but that’s the difference between the best day care in the world and the best day care in Manhattan.  No knocking the city, but that kid won’t be able to learn soccer and other sweet ass euro shit in some baby joint in Tribeca.  You can forget about being an international chef, Baby Carter.

And finally, how dare Charles Sheen basically claim ownership of winning?  Damn son.  S dot can barely count his number one albums on his digits and this chump is going to claim victory?  Bullshit.  Before you think you invented winning, you better take a look at how quick you’ll get stomped the fuck out in Marcy.  Go back to Hot Shot’s movies you dummy.

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15. Zombies

1 03 2011

Fact:  Jay-Z has conquered the living.  What type of people do you fear when you’re such a boss that no one can fuck with you?  The answer of course is undead people – zombies.

First of all, Jay heard that smart brains are the most delicious.  Well you know Jiggas smart as shit.  While you run around with the equivalent of spaghetti-o’s in your head, Jay has filet mignon.  He’s mad nervous son.

Why do you think he hung out with Beanie for so long?  I mean besides the tax benefits he also knew that Beans is a crack shot who could put a bullet in a zombie brain with the quickness.

Another thing is that zombies don’t give a shit about clever word play, which irritates Jay.  They don’t even try.  All his sick ass metaphors and dope verbalisms are worthless on the hater ass undead.

He’s also seen Dawn of the Dead like 50 times, which doesn’t help.   He didn’t pass the Zombie bar, but he knows a lil bit.  Enough to stay the fuck away from Zombies.

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